Najac, Clermont-Ferrand, Bourges, Aubigny-sur-Nere

Proper France

Day 40. We were leaving Varen and visiting Najac, one of the jewels of southern France. Before we left Varen, we spent an hour strolling around the village. That's all that was needed. It's very small but really, really pretty. ''Proper France''.

We stopped at a little cafe and ordered two minuscule coffees. We asked the guy behind the bar whether they did food.

''Food? Urr, not for...''

He looked up and squinted one eye. 1 hour? 3 hours? 

''...3 weeks.''

Blimey. Fair enough, I don't think we'll wait.

I was wearing black socks with the slip ons I'd bought a week before. They don't stay on my bare feet properly so I thought I'd see if the extra friction of sock material would help. It didn't, but at least Rach thought I looked like an absolute div. We made our way to Najac with real anticipation. I'd read some great things.

On the final bend approaching Najac a baby deer trotted across the road in front of us and into the long grass to the right. Not a bad start. We drove through the village in amazement and parked up in a deep lay by on a bend leading you back out of the village. It always gives us a bit of a buzz to find the ideal spots to park and this was one of them.

'Le Plus Beaux Village de France' didn't disappoint. Kind of like a fairytale place. It's hard to do it justice with words really. Or with socks and slip ons - I put on shoes for the occasion. Rach was having a particularly wonderful time. She had a bowl of hot cheese for lunch.

I bought a mate from a little crafts shop - he's carved out of bamboo and has a craggy beard. He's hanging above the bed on the wall. He's so chilled. Rach has yet to warm to him though I think. I'm praying that one night he might start talking, to reassure her that he is as friendly as they come. The van is becoming more homely as we add little bits to it that we're picking up on our way. More 'lived in'.

A life-time ban, 2 years in prison and a man left crippled for life

Well, nearly. On the way to our next stop I nearly ploughed into someone at a crossing. The pedestrian crossings in France don't have red lights or orange balls on sticks. You just have to stop if you see someone. And I didn't see this guy. He was just there all of a sudden, in front of me. I forgot that there were no red lights, so my initial reaction was that he was some idiot just walking out into the road. 

''What you doing mate?!'' I said as I hit the brakes very late.

''What are YOU doing?!'' Rach replied, fairly. The guy saw that it didn't look like I was stopping and hopped out of the way with his suitcase on wheels, yelling ''ayyyyy!'' in French. I threw up a hand in apology, which I'm sure he fully accepted. 

Fuck.

Oh well, it's what 'goes in the book' that counts, and all it will say is that I got us to our stop for the evening without extinguishing a single life. Success!

We navigated a long winding dirt path down from the main road to get to our next destination. It was obviously a popular spot - there were 4 or 5 other campers around and a few fishermen - and it was easy to see why. We were right next to a massive lake which stretched round beyond sight in both directions. We took a swim in the lake, which was a first for me. It felt so good.

After dark, it became virtually silent apart from the local wildlife and the odd muttering from one of the other nearby campers. I sat outside watching the moon reflected in the calm lake. I could hear the fish plooping at the edge of the water and an owl in the distance. Suddenly the peace was shattered by Rach blowing her nose violently inside the van. At first I thought it might've been a speedboat flying past.

Over the course of the next 10 minutes she also sneezed and farted. *

Clermont-Ferrand

On day 41 we spent 15 euros on a packet of ham(!), I realised I've probably got sleep apnea and we stopped off at yet another unbelievably pretty village (eye roll) called Saint-Jean-de-Luz, where we couldn't get anything to eat (fist clench).

We eventually got to where we were really heading, which was Clermont-Ferrand. 

I tell you something, the park4night app is really doing us proud. Found a place to stop for free, on top of the hills overlooking the city and neighbouring towns below. We had a 360 degree view for miles out into the Auvergne below. It's just a shame I couldn't get the 15 quid packet of effing ham out of my head.

We spent two nights in Clermont-Ferrand. On the second day we parked up in the city to have a look around. We had a superb lunch at a little bar-restaurant in the square overlooked by the imposing and impressive dark lava stone gothic cathedral - I had chicken and dolphin noise potatoes with a peppery creamy sauce - the plat-du-jour. I've come to love the plat-du-jours - they're always the cheapest thing on the menu, and always really good. Rach had a ropey quiche. She never seems to order the right thing - she's always unhappy with what she's given, whereas I'm pretty much always delighted. Maybe we have different standards. To be fair to her, this time it wasn't her fault, she would have preferred the chicken, but there was only one left and she said she wasn't too bothered having the quiche. Also she's fully aware of my chicken addiction. 

The waiter looked at me blankly when I tried to speak to him in French, and then in English with mimes, when ordering. After the meal when I went in to pay, the same waiter apologized, in very decent English, for his own poor English, for which I kindly forgave him. As I walked out of the restaurant he shouted after me, ''have a good day!'' Piss-taker.

About the sleep apnea thing - it's where your brain stops signalling to your muscles to breath while you're asleep. I think I might have it because I keep waking up gasping for breath. It's either that or I'm having nightmares about expensive ham. Will have to keep an eye on it.

Bourges

We left Clermont-Ferrand and headed north, to a city called Bourges. Bourges was a last minute decision - I'd seen it on some 'best of central France' lists. And what a place! Such a picturesque town, full of top heavy, timber-framed buildings. Also big enough to have a buzz about it. It came alive in it's own special way at night, during 'Les Nuits Lumiere', a festival/tour they put on every night between June and September, where the town is lit (in both the literal and the urban dictionary senses). They project animated light shows onto various buildings throughout the town and little blue lights embedded in the cobbled streets direct you around the town. It's charming as hell, and completely free. The kind of thing only a town that was very proud of itself would do. There were audio accompaniments to the light shows, and Rach said she thought it was nice how they weren't too loud, which she immediately pointed out made her sound like an old granny, which it did, but I agreed totally with her.

We stayed in Bourges for two nights. We did a campsite the first night and a free stop in a car park the second. Right next to the car park was a public toilet. Just before we left Bourges, I went to use it for a number 2, or a shit, as I call it. This toilet had water being flushed across the floor which was a novel little touch I'd never experienced before. It really made the act I was about to undertake all the more fun and challenging. To add to that, the toilet had no flush whatsoever, as I found out after I'd finished.

Let me say that again - there was a flush for the floor, BUT NOT THE TOILET BOWL. The bowl did however fold back up into the wall behind it. I mean what the fuck is going on. When I entered the loo there was a couple who'd just turned up a second after me, so I had to assume they were outside still, waiting to come in after me. I tried calling Rach to ask her for help (I'm not sure what I imagined she could do). No answer. I ended up having to use the fold back 'functionality' to 'manually flush'. Absolutely ridiculous scenes.

When I finally exited, the only person standing there was Rach, smiling. Oh well, at least the next occupant, whoever it may be, wouldn't have to see my latest 'plat-du-jour'.

A quick word on Bourges Cathedral. It is quite simply the most astonishing building I've ever been in. Brilliant grey/blue stone, giant pillars that seem to stretch up a mile into the epic ceilings and vibrant stain glass windows, some of which are located up at the very top of the monument where nobody can even see the details of them (and they were all very detailed). We looked it up and the stain glass is actually older than the structure itself, which is remarkable - the building was built in 1230! Standing in the Cathedral, I felt like I was in an epic movie or something. It was quite overwhelming, but I definitely nailed the part.

Aubigny-sur-Nere

It was only an hour up the road for our next stop. Aubigny-sur-Nere. We parked up in a designated motorhome area on the edge of town. We walked past a field full of rabbits and along a path with a parallel stream, into the village. At various points along the path were little pieces of gym apparatus. I impressed Rach by failing to pull myself up on the rings. It's because of all the heavy muscles in my torso.

Aubigny was great - dotted with more of the timber style houses we'd seen in Bourges. It also had a red UK telephone box which was weird. We sat and drank white wine outside a bar and played Psych! - a balderdash type game - on our phones (recommended). We couldn't help but laugh at the constant stream of people hurrying around everywhere with baguettes under their arms.

For ten minutes straight, dozens of cars drove up and down the little street honking their horns for a recent wedding at the local church. 

Psych! scores were as follows: Rach 2, Sean 2, Ellen DeGeneres 0 with 1 draw

Chateau de Chambord

We left Aubigny to visit the famous Chateau de Chambord about an hour west. We arrived a bit too late for entry, so we decided to leave it for the next day. We decided we'd still walk to the Chateau to take a look. The path leading to it was immensely long. I had the cricket blasting on the radio on my phone in my pocket, which annoyed Rach. It was annoying me too - we were trying to force the win against the Aussies at Lord's but it just didn't sound like happening.

The crazily long path walk was more than worth it; the castle is a joke - in a good way. Just ridiculous. It's hard to believe anything like it could ever be conceived, let alone designed and built. Built by (for, really) King Francois I, with Leonardo de Vinci an influence on its design, it's incredible. We couldn't wait to explore it the next day.

We had dinner at a restaurant around the corner from the castle. We were served by a friendly chap with a slight hunch, slightly weird speech and a very swollen lip - I named him The Hunch Lip of Chambord. Not to his face. Not because I'm scared of him.

We spent that evening starting a massive jigsaw puzzle which definitely won't fit anywhere in the van when complete. Rach was complaining that she was cold. It's August in central France. The lows are 17 degrees. How she's going to cope in Poland in December, I don't know.

*EDIT: I've been asked to replace the word 'farted' with the word 'scrumpled'.

Recommended park up in Clermont-Ferrand:

http://park4night.com/lieu/4495/