Sweden pt 2: Oslo & Gothenburg

Day 109

On day 109 I learned that Rach had been trying to cover up a murder her nan had committed. Sure, she said it was a dream, but there was something about the way she was telling the story that made it seem so real... and her nan is a right nutter, so it left me slightly suspicious if I'm honest.

We travelled across Norway from west to east - we were headed for Oslo, the capital. The journey took about five hours and it should go without saying, it was an utterly magnificent drive. We had to stop many times for photos of misty forests, rushing rivers and still lakes, eerie dunes, rocky cliffs and even, when our altitude increased, crisp snowy highways. It was the last chance for us to marvel at the jaw-dropping natural scenery of Norway before leaving the country. We're both so lucky to have seen so much of it.

Oslo

Before we did leave this great country though, we had Oslo.

We parked up for the first day in the capital, right on the edge of Frognerparken - a massive park which was lined with trees covered in brilliant yellow autumn leaves. It was one hell of a first impression. We went for a walk through the yellowness. It wasn't long before we realised just how statue-happy Oslo is, even by Europe's standards. This park in particular was packed full of them. We would discover more and more as we explored the city, some in really unusual places.

After a pizza and a drink, we hopped on a couple of electric scooters and zoomed through the dark streets back to the van. It was a right laugh bombing around Oslo, wheel-spinning and skidding on the wet leaves. We used them a few times during our stay - great fun!

We moved the van on the second day, to a place set off the road at the top of a bend, on a hill overlooking the city. When I checked Google Maps, I saw that it was the exact location of Edvard Munch's famous painting, The Scream. And sure enough, on a wall on the other side of the road was a rusty old plaque confirming it! It really was quite an exciting thing, to know that we were at the exact setting of that painting. I thought about screaming but decided against it - too obvious.

Oslo is LARGE. We walked 31,000 steps on day 2 in the city, which was a new record. We had a walk in another park, where I bravely jumped over a river after Rach dared me.

At a giant souvenir store a woman on the door greeted us as we entered and offered us a coffee - oooo love me! Pathetic. We politely declined. After all the exertion we needed a proper drink.

The bars in Oslo are so enticing. I wanted to go in every one we passed. Rach knows this and she's always caught between a smile and rolling her eyes whenever she catches me peering into one. We had a quick game of darts in one place, then went for a 'fantastic meal at TGI Fridays', as Alan Partridge would say. I've come to the conclusion that we are total scumbags when it comes to cuisine. TGI Friday indeed!

We visited the Munch Museum to see The Scream. It was a pretty special experience. The complete opposite to seeing the Mona Lisa, which was a chaos of selfies. This was just me and Rach in a dimly lit room, with nothing in it other than a bench and the painting, hanging against a blue curtain backdrop. I thought about screaming again, but again didn't, as it would've been mental.

The security in the museum was a bit OTT. At one stage I was pointing out a bit of a painting to Rach and this youngish lad came over to tell me ''not to try and touch the paintings.'' I told him I wasn't trying to touch them, I was fucking pointing, which is something very different (I didn't swear at the time).

My favourite part of the day, even above seeing The Scream, was witnessing the museum security confiscate Rach's VIPoo spray on our way in. I never knew the human face could hold so much blood - she was mortified. On the way out she made me go and pick it back up off the guard, who was still chuckling about it when he handed it over. Even amongst all this culture, you still can't beat a good toilet joke.

Speaking of jokes, we went to see Joker. We were planning to wait until Estonia where tickets would've been much cheaper, but I couldn't wait. I thought it was excellent. That dancing scene on the steps - mesmerising.

Gothenburg

Having spent a whole month in Norway, and seeing as they'd all started cruelly laughing at Rach's toilet habits, we were ready to move back into Sweden, which we'd previously only rushed through on the way up from Denmark.

The first thing I'll mention about Gothenburg is the blue trams. They're so stylish. They have a few different versions knocking about, the older and the more modern, but they are all really great looking things. And they're everywhere; you have to keep your eyes peeled walking around the city, which to be honest is against my natural instinct.

We met a guy from Streetly in a bar. He heard us ordering and grinned, then asked where we were from. One of us said, ''Birmingham'', to which he shook his head, which I found a bit confusing. Had we got the answer wrong? He then told us where he was from and we shook hands. He seemed a bit pissed. He said he was waiting for a Finnish mate, who was late. I asked if that was a Finnish trait. I don't really know why I asked it. We said cheers and left him to it.

The next day we had a look around the Art Gallery, which was amazing value for money, about a tenner, and it had paintings by Monet, Rembrandt and Van Gogh. We also saw the Poseidon statue which was located in front of the museum - tiny cock.

In the two days we spent in Gothenburg, we walked past the same massive pile of horse shit four times, on the way to and from the camper park we were staying at. I was beginning to wonder whether visiting art galleries and seeing/laughing about shit were cosmically entwined.

In the camper park itself, the sign next to the waste disposal area said "beware of snakes", which made emptying the toilet an even more intense experience, if that's possible.

''Animals in road up ahead''

The drive across to Stockholm from Gothenburg lasted about five hours. The visibility of the roads at night was poor; none of them seemed to have lamps on them. On the way, we stopped off to check out Gripsholm Castle. A church in the distance was gonging and the lights of the nearby town were sparkling off the lake next to the castle. A tiny but incredibly loud dog barked at me and I tried not to seem startled.

We continued on to Stockholm, having to drive the long way around to avoid the environmental zone. God knows if these environmental zones are actually taken seriously, but we didn't want to risk it. On the way, the sat nav gave us reports of animals in the road up ahead. It usually only does this by a text pop up - we'd had it quite often driving through Scandinavia - but this time it was the unit's voice warning us, which we'd never heard before.

After a few minutes we approached some sort of commotion in the road, so we slowed. It was very dark, but we noticed that we were being flagged down by a bloke in what looked like camo/army gear. We slowed to a halt. The army guy approached the window and told us to ''keep a low pace for the next bit'', but how low and for how long - and more importantly, why - we didn't know. The guy just walked off behind the van to flag down the next approaching car. We slowly continued and passed a crowd of people at the side of the road on our left. They also appeared to be in army gear, and were huddled over what looked like someone - or something - on a stretcher, with some kind of oxygen mask on, even though there didn't appear to have been a crash...

It was bloody eerie.

Recommended park up at Oslo ('The Scream' location):

http://park4night.com/lieu/127164/