Kaunas & Vilnius

Oil

On day 135 we woke up to a black ocean of oil under the van. We spent the first hour trying to work out if it was definitely coming from us, or from a car next to us. We decided it was coming from us, although it seemed to have stopped.

That was enough work for a Sunday. We decided to just have a stroll into town and worry about it tomorrow.

Kanuas is really nice. Especially the main cobble-stone street which runs through the old town. It's lamposts had been decorated in lights to look like trees.

We watched some more basketball in a bar. I read that the Birmingham Bullets no longer exist. Rach made up some great names for potential new British teams. I especially liked the Yorkshire Puddings, the Lincolnshire Sausages and the the Newcastle Brown Ales. Just imagine - the Timberwolves v the Sausages. What a game.

The next day I enrolled on a 20 minute mechanical engineering course so that I could properly diagnose and fix the oil problem. The course was run by a company called Youtube. To be honest it was absolute rubbish; there were adverts in between the educational videos and I was constantly distracted with suggestions for other courses. Courses with names like 'James O'Brien Vs Confused Anti Jeremy Corbyn Caller', 'Who is Roy Keane's ideal central midfield partner form any era?' and 'Karl Pilkington on the Pointlessness of Birthdays'. They'll teach anything these days won't they?

I gave up and we called a local mechanic. He said he'd be with us in 10 minutes. 10 minutes later he showed up. He'd also brought a mate, who I couldn't help notice was quite ugly, but in an interesting, even enjoyable way. They got out of their van and got straight to work inspecting our van. Didn't even say hello. They eventually turned out to be quite friendly, but they were also just extremely efficient. I liked that. After a short while the main guy - the one who didn't look like he'd had a gruelling 30 year boxing career - told us that he was very confident that the oil wasn't from our van at all. Rach started to cry. We thanked them and off they went.

About an hour later we called him up again and asked if he could fix one of our tyres, as it was deflating too quickly. He said he would but after lunch. After lunch, we took the van to his garage and the tyre was fixed. They hadn't charged us to come out earlier and the tyre job was only 10 euro. Legends. Lithuanian legends.

For the next 24 hours, I did lots of checking under than van for drips, mainly at Rach's request. It really was fine. Wherever that oil came from will forever remain a mystery. Maybe it was a prank by the kids that were partying in the car park the night before? Another theory was that it was a scam, and someone had chucked the oil under than van in the night so that they could run over to offer their 'help' when they saw us panicking the next day. If that is what happened they clearly gave up waiting; we don't get up until midday.

In the mornings, I try to wake up. I really do. But it's impossible. I open my eyelids but my eyeballs stay asleep.

For the next two nights, we stayed at a little campsite east of Kaunas. We did nothing but sit around in our pants watching Netflix. In 4 months of travelling, we really haven't had too many days where we've done nothing at all, so it was nice. The campsite owner gave us a free bottle of his truly horrible homemade wine, and his German Shepherd gave Rach a big kiss.

Vilnius

It's always great how places reveal themselves to you gradually over time. Vilnius was like that. The first night we had a walk through the old town, and while it was really pretty, I did wonder where all the action was. There didn't seem to be many bars. We ended up having a drink in a pub for England fanatics, with London-centric memorabilia everywhere. We were the only ones in there. Over the next three days though, the city revealed all of its charms to us (including its many great bars).

At a restaurant a young waiter got chatting to us about the van living thing. He said he had plans to do the same. He was very friendly which, I have to say, seemed like an exception to the rule at times in Vilnius. Quite a few people we dealt with were curt at best, or plain miserable at worst. A lad who served us a couple of pastries the one night seemed borderline suicidal, and a woman in a souvenir shop was straight to the point when Rach chirpily asked if they sold stamps to go with the postcard she was buying - ''No. 60 cents.'' It's a good job I'm so miserable; it means Rach is able to deal with this sort of stuff quite easily.

We were STILL looking at amber. I thought that was all done with once Rach found her birthday ring in Tallinn. But no.

We visited the Uzupis Republic, a tiny neighbourhood in Vilnius which has its own flag, unofficial currency, President, constitution and anthem. It also had its own army - made up of 11 men - which they abandoned, presumably after realising that an army which would have its work cut out battling a group of drunk locals is not really worth the time.

We also visited a Frank Zappa memorial (yes, they have one in Lithuania for some reason) and found a cat cafe. Unfortunately none of the cats seemed to really like Rach, so she just sat there, jealous of the girls they did like.

On the last night we had some traditional Lithuanian bar snacks. Fried chicken skins and fried bread sticks. The skins won. Afterwards I tripped over in the street whilst pondering a filthy question Rach had asked me. It was a full pirouette this one. I landed flat on my back and just lay there laughing while Rach laughed even harder and people walked past.

Hot Hands

On our last full day in Lithuania we stayed at a camper stop owned by a local. I managed to haggle him down to just a fiver for the night after he said the water pipe was frozen and I saw the toilet was just a hole in a plank in a wooden shed. Still, we could plug in to mains electricity, which is always the most important thing when it's cold.

We visited an old fort which stood on an island in the middle of a lake. On the way back, Rach gave a disabled beggar in a wheelchair (who had a gold tooth) her 'hot hands' hand warmers. It was crazy that he was out begging in this weather. As Rach placed the warmers into his hands she clasped them together and rubbed them as if to warm them up. It was beautiful. ''And that's why I love her'', I thought, as I walked off with my hot hands.

That evening we ate at a traditional old Lithuanian restaurant. They were playing Kanye West's 'Jesus is King'. It was weird. I love Lithuanian food, and Baltic food in general. It's really hearty and not very good for you.

Poland

We crossed the border into Poland. I Ricky-from-Trailer-Park-Boys'd a traffic cop when he tried to fine us for having driven all the way across Lithuania without Lithuanian road tax. If you don't watch Trailer Park Boys (which you should), that means I miraculously talked him out of it. Buzzing, as it would've cost us £180.

The driving in this part of the world is nuts. Not just impatient, crazy in general. And the overtaking is RIDICULOUS. They don't give a shit. Rach thinks she's come up with an idea for something which would help in dealing with mad, impatient drivers. I won't reveal it here, it has to remain a secret as this could make me - I mean, us - millions.

Recommended park up for Kaunas (provided you don't mind kids partying at night - they're harmless, just noisy):

http://park4night.com/lieu/53088/