Switzerland Part 1
Meeting Jits
I was sat in a swivel seat at the front of the van watching Rach feed bread to the loutish seagulls who'd descended in their dozens from the winds above Lake Lugano.
We were still parked up at the gigantic ghostly casino, in the tiny Italian enclave within the southern Swiss border. Our long-time fellow travelers, Tania and Adam were due to meet us at this very spot. At around 7pm, after much anticipation, their neat little camper pulled up next to us and we spent an enjoyable evening chatting, drinking wine and eating tomatoes on toast (it was fancier than it sounds).
The next day I was pretty terribly hungover, which is the thanks you get for ensuring nothing goes to waste. Tania and Adam gave us a tour of their homely van. It's brilliantly designed. There's so much packed into such a small space, but it somehow doesn't feel cramped. A bit like that blue telephone box Dr Who drives.
After the tour, we said our farewells and got on our way in the rain. We were headed north, into the heart of Switzerland. Over the coming days, Tania and Adam would be making their way towards the warmth of southern Italy. Given that it was now October and the air was cooling rapidly, some might say they had the saner plan.
Flims
Our first Swiss destination was a little town called Flims in the central eastern region. I only knew about the place because Mark Kozelek sings about it in one of my favourite albums of recent years, Sun Kil Moon's 'Universal Themes'. It's also where Paolo Sorrentino filmed 'Youth' starring Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel. A great flim. I mean, film.
We passed through some incredible snowy scenery as we made our way up into the Alps. After a few hours we arrived in Flims. It would soon be dark, so we immediately parked up and made our way downhill on foot to Lake Caumasee, a beautiful green lake to the south of the town. We enjoyed walking around it, despite the drizzle. On the way back up to the van we heard some strange, persistent tinkling sounds which got louder the further we walked. After a few minutes we noticed that the sound was coming from some cows in the sloping field to our left. Or rather, it was coming from the bells around their necks. A classical Swiss sight.
After our walk we found a place to park up in the centre of the town, then came upon a bar with a lit white sign stretching the length of the facade which read 'I wanna be that fantasy that you got on your mind'. Makes a change from 'The Red Lion'.
The first thing that hit us upon entering 'I wanna be that fantasy that you got on your mind' was the smoke. There was a large table in the window at the front which was full of smokers, and the air was thick. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. It would be a bit much to say I miss it, but I do quite enjoy the smokey bar experience, especially now that it's become so rare. We made our way to the bar and ordered a couple of beers.
Before we could be given our beers, we were told we had to use our phones to read the QR code displayed at the bar, which would then take us to a web form, which we would then have to fill out for COVID19 tracing purposes. It was quite a lengthy form and took us forever to fill out because it was all in Swiss German, which I'm not quite fluent in. We finally completed the form, submitted it, then stood around waiting to receive an SMS message which we would then need to use to... well, Christ knows what.
By this point the not inexpensive beers had already been poured, of course. Oh yeah. They'd been sat there since the very beginning, going flat and warm.
Five minutes and plenty of huffing and puffing later (all me), no message had come through, at which point the woman serving - who was part of the smoking group at the front - had a brainwave: we were English, and therefore probably had UK numbers which don't work in the system. She then presented us with a piece of paper to note down our name, address and time of entry, before finally handing over the lager. Ordering a beer and not having to jump through endless administrative hoops was now a fantasy at the forefront of my effing mind.
Afterwards, we had one more in a fancy little hotel-cinema where we were served by the politest man on the planet. This time, I completely ignored the online COVID19 tracing protocol, unlike Rach, who went through it all again like the boffin she is.
Lucerne
We were making our way west, towards the middle of the country where all our planned destinations were located. Driving across Switzerland is a great experience as you move up and down through the mountains. The scenery is a constant slideshow of lush green woodland and white snowy hills.
Lucerne is a city located on the river Reuss in central Switzerland. It's full of medieval architecture, including a 700 year old wooden footbridge and an incredible double spire church. It's not a huge place - we managed to cover most of it in the four or five hours we had before our parking ran out - but it has enough going on to justify a longer stay if one was so inclined.
We accidentally got the owner of a souvenir shop excited while browsing his expensive Swiss Army Knives and asking him questions. After a while we turned our attention to the 'cheap tat' section and grabbed a Switzerland sticker for the van. His disappointment was palpable. We asked him if he had any stickers that were cheaper. He did.
We had a pint in the most English pub we'd been in in a long time. It was called Mr Pickwicks. English food, about twelve screens with the football on... the only thing that reminded you you were in Switzerland were the prices. Our pint and a half cost 15 quid.
Day 495: Interlaken
Day 495 of our trip was spent navigating the epic, winding mountain roads leading to Interlaken, a picturesque town which sits in between two large lakes, Brienzersee and Thunersee, an hour from Lucerne.
After arriving in Interlaken, we parked up at a spot next to a petrol station, which park4night told us was fine. Something didn't feel right though. I had a quick look around and noticed the most un-eye-catching sign ever, which threatened fines of up to CHF1000 (800 quid) for parking where we had. For such a stonking penalty, it's absolutely ludicrous how small this sign was. It was about A5 in size and white, with grey text. The text font was about the size you'd expect to find in a lengthy paperback novel. The sign was stuck to a lamppost which was hidden behind three gigantic, colourful and billowing flags. It's a miracle I even saw it. Rach spoke to the woman at the petrol station, who said the spot was owned by them but it'd be fine for us to stay there for one night; she would let her boss know she'd spoken to us. Result.
We spent the day wandering around Interlaken, perusing yet more Swiss Army Knife shops. Every second building seemed to be a Swiss bloody Army Knife shop - I even had a dump in one (in the toilet). We stopped for a tot on the main stretch, where Rach had a cold hot chocolate. There was paragliding going on - people were landing on the grassy square in the centre of the town. I got excited about getting us tickets when I saw how cheap it was - only 34 francs! - before realising it was actually 340 francs, at which point I vigorously abandoned the plan.
That evening we had a knock on the van door. It was the local police asking what the hell we were doing parked where we were. Apparently the manager of the petrol station had called them. Apparently the woman from earlier hadn't told him. We explained the situation and how we'd been assured it would be okay to stay there the night. Eventually, they relented.
Lauterbrunnen
Lauterbrunnen was the most spectacular place we visited in Switzerland. It's one of the most spectacular places I've ever been to, full stop. It's also where I nearly paralyzed myself. More on that in due course.
We arrived on a bright sunny day. You know when you're about to hit the town as you begin to pass lots of the classical wooden cabins which are so prevalent in Swiss architecture. I'm calling them cabins, but they aren't small - they're mansions some of them. Absolutely huge. We drove in awe past the 300m waterfall, Staubbachfall, which descends from one of the huge cliffs bordering the valley which holds the town, and continued through the lush, colourful scenery towards a spot we'd found on park4night, where we had lunch and chilled while listening to the new Alan Partridge podcast (it really is lovely stuff). As it was late afternoon, Rach decided she wanted to just relax on the van, so we decided we'd walk back into the town to explore the following day. After a while I decided I'd go for a little walk on my own anyway.
I ended up strolling all the way into the town along a path which ran through the cow fields and surrounding mountainscape. I was surrounded by such jaw-dropping scenery that it was difficult not to just keep walking. ''World class natural beauty'' I thought to myself, in the voice of Alan Partridge. You really know that somewhere has visually impacted you when you find yourself doing constant 360's as you walk. From a distance I must've looked like the shittest ballet dancer ever. My walk was nicely sound-tracked by the cows. They were everywhere. And they were all 'ringing'; those cowbells make a charming racket.
I passed a vending machine which sold cheese. Naturally, this was the thing which piqued Rach's interest the most when I got back to the van a couple of hours later.
StaubbachFALL
The next day we did a proper tour of the place. Highlights were our visits to two waterfalls. One was a system of ten mini glacier-fed streams set within a mountain which reminded me of the setting of the horror film 'The Descent'. The second was Staubbachfall, the huge cliff-side waterfall I mentioned earlier. Apparently it's the third biggest in Switzerland. We climbed up into the rock behind the loud cascading waterfall for some great views of the town and surrounding landscape. The terrain leading up into the waterfall was rough and rocky and incredibly lubricated. Really slippy it was. Seriously.
Okay, I'll cut to the chase - I went flying. Both feet shot out from underneath me suddenly and my arse bone slammed down onto the pointy rock below. The loaf I was carrying flew out of my hand and landed in a puddle. The following five to ten minutes were hellish. The first thing I did was let out a blood curdling scream, then writhed on the hard wet floor for a few seconds like a crippled earthworm, before Rach helped me to my feet. My whole body had gone into shock. The couple following just a few seconds behind us did extremely well to pass by with straight faces, as if absolutely nothing had happened, as I leaned on the metal railing with wobbly knees, groaning and trying with all my might to remain on my feet. My face had gone greyer than all my white underwear. I fought to remain conscious. Rach forced some chocolate into my mouth, but I didn't even have the energy to bite into it. I just let it sort of melt into my cheeks. It was mental.
There thankfully didn't seem to be any real damage done, so after a while I was able to climb back down through the wet mountainside to the safety of a dry path, then hobble back to the van, stopping at the cheese machine on the way.
Fucking waterfalls.
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