Scotland Part 2: Loch Lomond, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Loch Ness & The NC500

Vague memories:

I seem to remember trying to change the channel on a TV in a pub backroom, despite it being strictly forbidden. This made the TV screen go all blue, so I just sat there not watching the football. I had my pint though, and Rach next to me, shaking her head.

We were in Southish Scotland. I forget where exactly. To be honest, it's been so long since I last wrote a blog, it's going to be difficult to pick up where the last one left things and remember everything properly. Much of this is likely going to be either vague or plain wrong. We'll see.

Warm Loch Lomond

I remember Loch Lomond very well though. How could you not? It's great all round those parts. We stayed in a few spots. The first was a nice free area with an outstanding view beyond a massive grass area of the Loch and mountains behind it. The water was so warm! Rach had a dip in her hot banana dress.

After the first place, we stopped in a campsite for a couple of days, then in a free area just outside it for a third. The weather was super hot and the midges were out to play. Finding the campsite's motorhome service area was like searching for the Holy Grail, only not as funny. Right at the back of the site, up through a tiny little trail through the trees and hidden behind an old house, there it finally was. We could barely turn the van around to get back out once we'd finished pouring our slop into the hole. Fortunately, there were no killer rabbits.

Helensburgh & mice mat

Rach really liked Helensburgh. I think mainly because it had a post office. We were doing a LOT of work during this period, creating artwork and gifts to be posted out, so post offices were essential. We parked up in an area where overnighting was officially forbidden, but like the gangsters we are, we ignored that... for two nights! It was such a great spot though, backing right onto a picturesque park, beyond which was another lake dotted with sail boats. The sun set right behind the lake in the evenings, as opposed to the mornings or afternoons.

After one of her pilgrimages to the post office, Rach came back with some extra goodies, including a nice present for me - a mice mat. Or mouse mat. No, mice mat. She really is a thoughtful little piglet. I'd been using Viz Magazines up until this point and they're useless - too much friction for the mouse to glide nicely and the cover ink heats up and smudges everywhere. Made me realise what an essential bit of kit a mice mat is. Not only that, it has a picture of Loch Lomond on it and it smells gorgeous.

An hour after leaving Helensburgh, Rach received a phone call from some cunts at the post office saying that her package that was due for delivery to America, that they'd assured her would get delivered to America, hadn't even been picked up for delivery to America. Apparently UPS had refused it as she hadn't filled in the three forms that were required but about which they had not advised her during their assurances. So, back to the forbidden spot we went for a third night. Eventually, all was sorted. It was only a chopping board for fuck's sake.

Very old pub - massive burger

That's all it says in my notes... Oh! I remember. I ate a huge burger - I'm talking seriously large - in one of the oldest pubs in Scotland at the tip of Loch Lomond, and then, after walking Moo in the midge-filled evening air, I got into bed. I spent the following three or four hours that night convincing myself that it wasn't possible for my stomach to explode.

West Dunbartonshire Swan Firm

I'd never seen so many swans all in one location. There were about forty of the bastards, slowly approaching us on this lake near our parking spot in West Dunbartonshire. It reminded me of the time I got attacked by a couple of swans in Moseley park. They were after my pizza. However, despite being completely outnumbered this time, and even with the memory of PsychoSwan in Switzerland still looming large, we kept our composure, confident that this lot weren't gonna try anything. They didn't.

Meanwhile, back on the van, we had a phone argument with an Amazon drone over some fresh UPS fiasco, completely unrelated to the Helensburgh shambles of a few days earlier. NEVER USE UPS. OR AMAZON.

Glasgow

We spent only about four hours in Glasgow. It's quite okay, I wouldn't go mad. I wouldn't, for example, run up and down the main stretch with my arms in the air, screaming. Rach enjoyed it there I think. Although I'd put money on her favourite part being the eating of the chips and gravy on the bridge while we kept our eyes firmly on the loitering seagulls. We only bought one portion. Can you believe it? What a pair of skinny chickens.

Edinburgh Part 1

We met my old mucker, Rob and his missus, Meg in Edinburgh. It was a good couple of days of drinking, exploring and rain. On the second evening, we spent about an hour wandering around trying to find somewhere to watch the Euro Final, but everywhere was either fully booked or full. Of course, the COVID restrictions weren't making it any easier. In the last place we checked as a foursome, Rob and I gave up and sat down with a pint, while the two ladies went to see if they could find somewhere on the Royal Mile. Immediately, they did.

The match was shit, as we all know. Luckily I provided alternative entertainment by having an argument with a particularly unlikeable Italian lady who aggressively took exception to my supporting England.

Loch Ness

A couple of days after Edinburgh we made our way north to Loch Ness to re-join Rob who, clearly in an extra-romantic mood, had managed to proposed to Meg twice in the interim. Once in a bathroom, the second in a picturesque outdoor location. Meg said yes twice but I think she preferred the second proposal. I'm with Rob though - it's all about the surprise element. We had a couple of evening meals in the little village we were in called Drumnadrochit, to celebrate. It was bloody lovely. Sorry... apart from the salmon and boiled potatoes Rob accidentally ordered for himself on the first evening, it was bloody lovely.

We said our goodbye to Rob and Meg, who's next stop was Liverpool. I wondered if Rob would be proposing for a third time. That would be the most surprising one of the lot, surely. 

We drove round to the opposite side of Loch Ness and found a spot with its own private beach. It was so, so good. We had a BBQ down on the beach and finally cracked open the bottle of champers that Rach had been stopping me from 'avin for months.

Shower issues at the mermaid place

We realised we were now on the NC500, a 500 mile circular route around the Scottish Highlands. Our next stop was in a very quiet town indeed, right on the east coast above Inverness. The main memories for me here are that there was a mermaid statue on the beach and I dropped an apple onto a dead bird. Still ate it. 

There was a free shower in the nearby community centre. This shower was the most infuriating facility in the history of man. One of those ones where the on/off/pressure was mingled in with the temperature control, all operated with the same lever. WHY MAKE SHOWERS LIKE THAT? There was a laminated sheet of paper stuck to one of the walls with the weirdest instructions for use I've ever seen. In order to turn the shower on, it said to turn the lever so that it was exactly upright, then wait for an undetermined amount of time, before slowly turning counter-clockwise if you wanted to make the water hotter. COUNTER-CLOCKWISE for hotter.

Could I get it to the right temperature? Could I bollocks. I'd have had better luck trying to crack the safe in the main office next door. I stood there for about fifteen minutes trying everything I possibly could to get the water to warm up but to no avail. I'm not exaggerating. Eventually, and God knows how, the water did start to warm up. The only problem was that, having reached the optimum warmth, it then accelerated past it and onwards to an approximate temperature of one thousand degrees. I jumped out of the waters path, my nipples fuming, then embarked upon the return journey, attempting to adjust the temperature the other way. I managed to achieve this a little quicker, probably in about ten minutes. Again, the water spent all of about three seconds at an appropriate temperature before plunging back down to freezing levels. I ended up having the angriest, coldest shower anyone has ever had. 

John O'Groats

We had a lovely family picture with Moo under the John O'Groats sign, before taking a walk along the rugged northern Scottish coastline to see the Duncansby Stacks, a dramatic rock formation just to the east. The Stacks were magnificent, but the highlight was definitely seeing the abundant wildlife down near the water beneath the massive jagged cliffs. Lots of noisy bird life and also a big fat seal. 

After a couple of nights at Mr O'Groats, we moved on.

Puffin Cove

The incredible Scottish wildlife tour continued with our visit to Puffin Cove, a place we came by accidentally really. We'd never seen a puffin in the wild before, so we hoped we would see a few as we made our way down the big grassy hills to the watery cove beneath the giant rotund cliffs. 

We were stunned when we got there. There were hundreds of them, all dotted along the cliffs and continuously flying from one side to the other. It was amazing. Puffins weren't the only thing we saw though. On the way there and back we saw adders. Rach almost trod on the first one. I immediately got my phone out to film it as it slithered off through the grass. I was surprised at how big it was. 

That's what she said.

Recommended park up for Loch Ness:

http://park4night.com/en/lieu/189491/