Dovre & Trondheim

Norway

With Elvis blasting, we drove through the beautiful Swedish countryside. We barely noticed as we crossed the border into Norway. The yellow and blue road signs of Sweden became yellow and black. A Cadillac flew past us, followed by a Mustang. Since we've been in Scandinavia, we've seen loads of American muscle cars. They absolutely love them here. Nobody at all seems to drive shit cars.

We stopped at a place which had a free hot shower and free wifi - a pretty rare find. Rach was delighted. She scampered off for a shower while I plundered the wifi, downloading films and shows on the iPad - Ex Machina, Trollhunter (topical!), Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Mars Attacks, more US Office and House of Cards (making Rach watch this if she EVER stops watching The Office).

The next morning, before we left the place, Rach wrote a thank you card to leave by the door to the shower room, for whoever it was who ran this little joint. I initially thought this was a bit OTT, before changing my mind and agreeing it was actually a really nice gesture. I soon went off the idea again when it turned out we had to wait for whoever it was that was in the shower at the time to leave, before we could leave the card. After a while I decided to just leave it there and if the showerer found it and assumed someone had sincerely thanked them for having a shower, so be it.

Roger

Somewhere along the way, we'd picked up a van pet. A fly. It got on board and just wouldn't leave. It was with us for about three days. Rach named it Roger. I went from hating his guts when he first appeared to genuinely not wanting him to leave by the third day. Rach was getting irritated with him and kept winding her window down to get rid. I was chuffed every time Rog opted to remain on board. A right character, he was. And before you say/think anything, it absolutely was the same fly the whole time.

On day 82 we stayed at a beautiful natural spot just back from the road. The hills on the other side of the fjord were forested in dark greens, yellows and oranges, and their tips were covered in a ghostly mist. The air was thick with mosquitoes. You could see them swirling around right outside the windows of the van. Rog was up at the windows, barking at them. Good boy.

Day 83

It's finally happened - I've shit in a bag. In the most beautiful of surroundings - a raging river running past our back doors, with mountains in front and behind, there I was, half squatted by the water, awkwardly holding a plastic bag underneath my underneath. Seriously, it had to happen. I wasn't holding it in all night. I just hope nobody on the other side of the river had binoculars or a telescope. A young lad perhaps, enjoying his new hobby.

The next morning, we had a coffee, taking in the amazing views, then got the van ready to leave for our next destination. I nipped outside to pick up my bag of shit, and we were on our way. This is the life.

Dovre

Dovre sits in central Norway and is surrounded by amazing natural beauty, hiking trails and National Parks. It features heavily in the film, Trollhunter, which we'd watched a couple of nights earlier, and now, by chance, we were heading there, flanked on either side by white bark trees with bright orange leaves.

As I write this, I can see that 'drove' is an anagram of 'Dovre'. I'm just glad I didn't notice that at the time; I was already struggling to keep the van on the road from all the excitement of the film connection.

We stopped off for a coffee at a tiny little hamlet type place off the main highway, situated next to a little river. You couldn't even call it a village - it had only a few wooden buildings - a souvenir shop, a hotel and cafe, a big statue of a troll, and a few other small huts. We had a coffee in the hotel, which we later found out is fairly famous in Norway - it's called Dovregubbens Hall (Dovregubbens meaning 'Mountain King', the name of a famous troll). It was pretty amazing inside. Authentic Norway. We sat there enjoying the decor and the views of the mountains and clear blue sky through the window while we drank our coffees.

We bought ANOTHER bottle of sparkling water by mistake on the way to Dovre. By my count that was the sixth in a row. It's hard to know what you're picking up when the sparkling AND the still have bubbles on the pictures (which was the case here) and you can't be arsed to get the Google translator out. Although, even picking with your eyes closed, it's a pretty good effort to do six in a row.

Rach had an idea for a system to reduce the requirement for bottled water. She was in the middle of talking me through it when she nearly drove into another vehicle, which would've made for some incredibly tedious final words.

Trondheim

We stayed at what appeared to be the only available campsite in Trondheim. The other two were closed for the winter. I had to have a stern word with the woman behind the desk after she was rude to Rach. She was an odd woman. She went off on confusing and completely irrelevant tangents, which is especially annoying when you're trying to bollock someone. Visually she was a challenge too. Her skin looked fucked like a zombie and she had big pumped up fish lips. Rach advised me after that she'd probably had a recent chemical peel. Fair enough, and good job on the lips too. I always think it looks really good on anyone, but especially on ageing women.

The campsite itself did need a bit of a face-lift; it wasn't the best. Our experience was made worse by having to park literally up against someone else's cabin so we could plug into the 3 pin electrical sockets which were attached to the cabin wall. All the sockets in the allocated camper spots were 2 pin so the fish lip zombie woman had told us to park by the cabin. If you go camper-vanning in Norway and want mains electricity, buy an adapter.

I'd decided to forget all the nonsense and look on the bright side; start seeing the positive, not the negative. We had a stroll down to the sea shore behind the campsite and sat on the rocks taking in the view. We spotted a crab lying on it's back in a rock pool having a kip.

This was the northern-most point of our journey!

Trondheim was where we first discovered just how crazily expensive Norway is. When we arrived in the centre we stopped at an Irish bar for a drink. Two half pints of beer - £22. I nearly exploded trying to keep a straight face as I calmly slotted my debit card into the machine. I managed to crack a pained smile in response to the barmaid's ''thank you'', before walking away, dazed, confused and deeply emotional.

Even now, writing about it, I'm welling up. There was one more day to write about from this week but you know what, forget it.

Recommended park up just south of Dovre in central Norway:

http://park4night.com/lieu/85826/