Christmas in Brno

Apples

In bed on our last night in the Prague campsite we heard some banging at the van. I was sure it was coming from the roof, but Rach shot up and went outside to see who it was. It turned out to be apples falling from the tree above us. I secretly congratulated myself on my decision not to move.

After Prague, we stayed in a hotel in the Czech city of Brno for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Now, at the considerable risk of coming across as a miserable git, I'm actually going to have a bit of a moan about it.

Right then... *clicks fingers*

LIDL are bastards. On Christmas Eve we drove to the nearest store in Brno and realised we had nowhere to park. There was no car park. We drove to another LIDL, which was closed, then another, which was also closed. We eventually decided to drive back to the original LIDL and park up wherever we could, and one of us would stay in the van to make sure we didn't get clamped while the other went in and bought the pork pie and champagne. By this point I was bombing round in frustration (but still obeying the speed limit and driving immaculately). We arrived back at the original LIDL and now that one was closed too. I was about ready to wish everyone a truly horrible Christmas at the top of my lungs whilst kicking a cat. And I love cats.

We gave up and drove to the hotel. While checking in, we learnt that the pool and spa was closed for the two days we'd be staying. Oh my God. I wanted to turn inside out just to cause a mess. I was livid. I asked about some sort of discount - we'd only booked the place for the pool and we were both really looking forward to a Christmas dip. The reception lady said she'd see what she could do. I started searching the lobby for a cat.

When we got to our room, we saw that there were two single beds rather than a large double. We told front desk, who then moved us to another room. Rach didn't really like the new room as it looked like it hadn't been decorated since the 70's, but we tried to put that to one side and ordered some food. Rach went for a shower. Two minutes later, she emerged, exclaiming that the water was yellow. Now, that is really one of the least desirable colours it could be. In fact - and forgive me - but in my book (and this is in an ideal world) water should be fairly colourless.

We informed the front desk. They apologised and brought us a free bottle of champagne, then moved us to ANOTHER room.

The new room really was a downgrade - two wooden chairs instead of a sofa. We gave up. We would just stay in the room we were in and hope the water stopped being yellow at some point. We told front desk of our decision. They then told us they'd show us two more rooms. Rach went to have a look. The first was a lot smaller so Rach turned it down immediately. The final room (and by now this was the 5th room we'd looked at) was one of their big suites, with a separate lounge to the massive bedroom. Erm, yes we'll take this one, thanks. Sneaky buggers, leaving that one until last.

Finally, after about 2 hours, we could relax. We watched a few Christmassy films (both Home Alones, Elf) and painted each other a little picture for Christmas, both of which are now hanging above the door to the van. We bought the little canvasses and paints while we were in Zakopane. Cheap and fun, which I'm all for. It was one of Rach's great ideas that. What a gem.

We tried to order some room service but were told they'd closed up for the night, so we should just use the minibar. It was about 10 o'clock ­- room service was supposed to be until midnight. We called back and asked if we could order something, but come and get it ourselves. We were told no, so we resigned ourselves to the minibar, which is of course loads more expensive. We took out two mini bottles of Prosecco. One of them turned out to be totally off. It was brown in the glass. I didn't even know Prosecco could go off?!

What a rubbish Christmas Eve. For the first time in my life, I found myself actually rooting for Joe Pesci and that other bloke to catch Kevin. But of course, they never do. No matter how many times we watch it.

Christmas Day

On Christmas morning we had an enjoyable breakfast down in the hotel restaurant. We had a conversation with another couple, who seemed to be the only other people in the hotel; a late-middle aged English guy from Maidstone and his Czech girlfriend, who was less talkative than him. Far less talkative. The chap really did like to talk. Particularly about the cars he has, and has had, and will have, and won't have.

We watched a couple more films back up in the room before getting ready to go out for a meal we'd booked at a nearby restaurant. It started getting dark so I turned on the lamp, which blew, then we sat in the darkness for 45 minutes while we waited for an electrician to come out and fix things. It was taking some time and we had to get ready, so I called down to reception and demanded to speak to Basil, before remembering we weren't actually in Fawlty Towers.

Finally the electrics were back up and running, so we got ready and went out for our Christmas dinner. When we arrived at the restaurant it was not yet open - we'd booked a table for the second it opened, 6pm. So the place was completely empty when we first sat down. Rach had asked if we might be able to have a drink at the bar before sitting down, but quickly abandoned that line of questioning when it became apparent the waiter didn't understand what she meant - he basically just kept answering with ''yes, you will be able to have a drink with your food''.

The food was amazing. So, so good. Six courses, and all superb. Also, by the end of the meal, the place was full. It's so much nicer when you eat in a bustling restaurant rather than an empty one. For a start, it means that the staff can't hear my often deeply offensive chit chat.

Towards the end of our meal, about 12 Chinese people arrived. Not particularly newsworthy. Then, after about ten minutes, I realised - they were sitting in three different groups, on three different tables, in three different areas of the restaurant. They were three different families and they didn't know each other at all! Three different Chinese families, who'd all turned up to eat at the exact same time, at the exact same restaurant, in Brno, Czech Republic. Now that has got to be one of the all time great coincidences. Think about it for a minute. No? Fair enough.

Boxing Day

In the morning, the hotel didn't bring us the breakfast we'd ordered the previous evening, so we checked the door knob and sure enough, the order card hadn't been taken away. We called down. They apologised and said they'd send someone to grab the order, then send the breakfast up. Half hour later it arrived. It wasn't what we ordered.

Now I know these really are first world problems, but still - what the fuck was wrong with these people? It had been one calamity after another.

The hotel extended our check out until 4pm, so we could make use of the re-opened pool. That was good of them. In the pool, we bumped into the Maidstone chap and his Czech girlfriend. He came over for a chinwag. His girlfriend immediately buggered off, which seemed to open the floodgates. All of a sudden he was telling us about all his trails and tribulations of recent years - his failed relationships, a rape allegation, a girl who stole his car (I was actually quite relieved when he shifted from rape to car theft)... He was a nice guy, really friendly, but wow. After about 7 hours, he said his goodbyes and left.

We ended up getting 25% off the hotel stay, and free parking, plus the late check-out and the free bottle of champagne. So I suppose that's fair.

Bratislava

We left Brno and made our way to Budapest for New Year. On the way, we stopped for a day and night in Bratislava, where we saw the blue church which looks like it's made of cake, and ate in what must be the only Latino Slovakian Scottish pub in the world, where I was served what appeared to be a child's fish and chips meal.

I impressed Rach with my 90's TV knowledge when she quizzed me over a couple of drinks in a quirky little orange bar, then we walked up to the top of the hill with the castle and got some incredible views of the city. Rach took a photo of a couple without them knowing, then went over to show them. They liked it, so she sent it to them. Five minutes later, they came over and offered to take our picture. What a nice little exchange that is, eh?