Zadar

Adriatic Coast

On day 190 (or maybe 189 or 191 - who the fuck cares really) we made it to the Adriatic Coast. We'd arrived at a sleepy little town called Sveti Juraj and got a great little spot right next to the sea. It was already feeling like summer, thanks to the sun glistening on the water and Rach's complaints about sweating. It was actually warm! Only a week earlier we were all layered up in our big coats. Now I was quite happy in a thin hoody and tracky bottoms. Classy.

We had a quick hike up to the top of a rocky hill in the middle of town, which had a big cross at the top, and took in a magnificent view of the Adriatic as the sun disappeared under the horizon. It was quite a moment. We took plenty of photos, so it was a shame I'd dressed like I was going out to mug old ladies.

Doors

Day 190/191/192 or possibly even 193 was 'door day'. Let me talk you through it.

The drive along the first stretch of coast was as pretty as a picture. A good picture, I mean (to be honest, I'm not sure I understand that phrase.) The sun was out and the roads were quiet, but it was really windy. It was as windy as a picture. At one particularly scenic point I got Rach to stop the van so I could get out to take a photo.

''Just watch the door when you open it, the wind is so strong.''

''Yep.''

I opened the door and the wind caught it. The handle ripped out of my hand and the door crashed open. The hinges squealed as the force of the wind smashed it passed it's maximum open position. Great. I looked at Rach with the exact same expression that small animal has in that funny Youtube video. I don't know what video I'm on about but hopefully you will.

On inspection, the door was fucked. The wind incident had bent the metal and it now didn't close properly. I thought about shaking my fist in anger, but didn't - I wasn't a cartoon.

What maddened me the most was that Rach had reminded me to be careful, but it had gone in one ear and out the other because I was too enraptured by the scenery and the idea of getting a good photo. Rach was pretty frustrated. I was fuming with myself. I closed the door - it did close, just not as smoothly - and we drove to the next road side stop for a sandwich. The view was breathtaking, but the mood in the van wasn't so good (even after the sandwich). Life is upside down at times. A few days before, when I was briefly locked in a horrible toilet, I was inexplicably in a great mood.

An hour or two later we decided to park up for the night. We got to a camper stop, which was closed, but the owner allowed us to park up there and use the electricity and water for free. So kind! Mind you, he'd quite clearly had a drink and was obviously at that early-to-mid-stage of drinking which tends to generate good will, as opposed to the latter stage which generates arguments and kebabs. Either way, we were grateful for his hospitality.

Later that evening we realised the corner of the right side cupboard door under the sink had blown because the weird chemical stuff we'd accidentally bought thinking it was washing up liquid had leaked down the door. Someone had obviously put some kind of door curse on the van. Maybe. Or maybe it was just that I'd been a careless twat and then a chemical had reacted with some wood. Sod it. I just got back to my online chess match while Rach finished watching some shit on Netflix.

Zadar

On the outskirts of Zadar we found a great location to put the van. Right next to the water, with a little rocky beach and mini pier to ourselves. I had a dip in the water. It was colder than the moon. Seriously, the coldest water I've ever been in. It didn't even get warmer the longer I was in it; that's how cold it was. I've never experienced that before. It just stayed freezing. I felt kind of betrayed. When you get in the bath, fair enough, you know it's going to get colder the longer you stay in it. But with natural water, like the sea or a lake, you get in knowing that no matter how cold it is initially, it's going to start feeling warmer. Well, not this time. I stopped splashing about like a frozen pig and got out.

After I dried off we went to check out the nearby bar. I'd gone out in shorts. I don't quite know what I was playing at. A little bit of sun and slightly warmer weather and I'm going on like it's the middle of July. We had a great view of the sunset from the bar but after about 15 minutes my legs were bloody nippy. I went back to the van to dress more appropriately, then we went out for something to eat. On the walk back to the van we were amazed to see a poltergeist sailing a motor boat, before realising we just hadn't seen the guy on the steering rudder in the dark. Goddamnit. I'm never gonna see a ghost at this rate.

We arrived at 'the best campsite in Croatia' - according to an award on the reception desk - located just outside of Zadar. They allowed us to put the van in the most expensive zone, right at the front of the site by the sea, but only charged us the cheapest rate, which was great. The place was empty - there was only one other motorhome on site. We had access to the VIP toilet and shower block, as the pauper toilets had been closed for the winter. We also had access to the spa and pool facilities at the nearby sister hotel, so we went for a dip.

Rach slipped into the pool as she got in, not realising the floor was sloped, and smashed into the water arse-first. I was in the outdoor part of the pool at the time, but saw the incident from afar. Rach had burst into hysterics. She was also weirdly looking around at the corners of the ceiling. When I swam up to her she said she'd been checking to see if there was any CCTV which would've caught her fall. If there had been I'd have paid the hotel for the tape.

On the way back to the campsite, Rach noticed a cat and beckoned it over with a double kiss (like she does). All of a sudden, about a million cats (12) shot out from under the hedge. At the same time, a car came up the street. I thought it was going to hit the cats, but crazily they didn't scatter. They seemed to run at the car. Then, a woman got out and started feeding them all. This is how they seem to do cats in Croatia. They're absolutely everywhere, and that must be because nobody actually keeps a cat in their home. They let them roam free, and just leave food out for them in the streets.

Lollipop

While I was quietly minding my own business on the toilet in the VIP block, feeling very important, I heard some other bloke enter and go into the opposite bathroom. He was THE LOUDEST BASTARD EVER.

The first thing he did was burp. A burp to end all burps. I was actually quite impressed at that point. Then, his trousers came down. That's when I started to get irritated. How he made pulling his trousers down such a noisy activity is beyond me. Throughout this he was either breathing loudly, sniffing, or burping. He then proceeded to do the most cacophonous shit I have ever heard and will ever hear. It was as if he'd dropped a boulder from a thousand feet into a swamp. I'd have loved to have seen my expression at that point. And his for that matter. Halfway through his epic, after a cough, a splutter and a few more burps, he started blasting some music on his phone. It was The Chordettes' 1958 hit, Lollipop. Un-believable.

I sat there listening to the man's various disgusting expulsions as a tinny ''lolly pop lolly pop oooo lolly lolly pop'' rattled around the toilet block. VIP my arse.

Recommended park up for Zadar:

http://park4night.com/lieu/27157/